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Wow, it's been a while.

To give a quick explanation as to where I've been, university and flatting have swallowed me whole, followed by the bottom falling out of my life in early November when my mother had a massive stroke that destroyed most of her brain. She's...basically gone, to the point that I don't visit her, because as far as I'm concerned, my mother died in November, and her body is just taking some time to catch up. Most of my family agrees.

L got married. There was an empty seat.

I shaved my head for cancer. Dad was somewhat irritated.

Tim and I went to Nelson and did berry-picking, theatre-going, movie-watching, beach-walking, sea-paddling, market-hopping, shirt-shopping and brewery-touring before cruising up to Welly and the new flat.

I basically wanted to share with you this poem that I wrote on the 8th of November while in hospital watching over my mum. It's raw, ugly, angry and sums up that stage of grieving I was going through. I'm still grieving (burst into tears occasionally, though they're getting less and less frequent), but I'm more at peace with what's happened now.

AvalonCollapse )

I'm thinking of writing a series of these poems - a kind of 'Stages of Acceptance' poems, with this one being 'Anger'.

Also, I'm writing a tabletop game of I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream. The system is worked out, now I need to write the character sheets and the scenarios. I'm also contemplating writing a LARP for American Gods. Thoughts?

See you, Space Cowboys.

drumming noise inside my
feet were numb with cold and wore
head that starts when youre
a cotton gown that blazed the night


This will not end well
Well, my eldest brother Lawrence's birthday has come and gone, and I was unable to buy him a present. He's said I don't need to.

All I need is to go to a family dinner.

With Nick and Sarah.

Oh bullocks.

Tim has agreed to come with, although this doesn't alleviate our confusion about how weird Sarah has been acting lately. As in, she has apparently been continuing to tell people I spread rumors about Fox (not true, I barely talk about him to people other than Eva, my mum and Tim these days) but when she's not doing that she will apparently natter nearly non-stop about Tim to anybody who will listen.

What makes this especially discombobulating is that she and Nick recently got engaged.

Has there been a party? Has there been gushing? Has there been babbling about it?


Just babbling about my boyfriend.

It's creepy.

I have no idea what to make of it in the slightest. I mean, I know she and Tim were friends at a Hall of Residence for a while, but Tim is adamant they weren't as close as Sarah and Nick made them out to be. Meanwhile, my mum still gets a wistful look on her face every time we talk - I know she wants us to make up, but I can't. Not knowing how little they actually respect me as a human being.

Oh, well. I'll just keep going as I have been, I guess, and when the family dinner comes around, bite my tongue and try not to snarl at Sarah and get bitter with Nick.

See you, Space Cowboys.

Apr. 7th, 2012



Think I may have to give up on it.

Not that I don't love and adore the universe and stories I've planned for it - but it's too big and too huge and I've got too much happening to write it.

So with that in mind - and given my propensity for picking up and working on projects long after abandoning them, and considering exactly how complicated L:VH's plans were to be - I'm opening a question post.

In short: ask me any question about L:VH and I will answer it fully and completely. It may end up slightly incoherent at times, because some of the plotlines were slightly incoherent in my mind, but I will do my best to answer them.

Yes, this includes big spoiler-y questions like 'So, does Linkara actually throw himself off a building?'

As for whether I'll ever pick up L:VH...the answer is, I don't know. Maybe one day.

ETA: I'll just throw out, incidentally, the Big Secrets that the OCs were hiding:

Ko was Aspect of the Stars. Hence her abilities in divination.

Candra was Aspect of the Moon. Hence her connection to the werewolves, her remarkable amounts of knowledge with them, her attitude towards Ko and her mercurial nature.

Hugh was the Metatron. No. Really. He was the Seraphim that was watching them.

The 'swan that loses it's wings' in the prophecy Ko speaks of is Linkara.

The Woman in White and the Man In Fatigues were the same being, which was God.

Cry was previously a Renegade, who had been captured and was forced into slavery, hence his wearing the golden bands.

Eztli has been lying about her age - she tells people she's over a hundred years old. In actual fact, she's not even a century old. She was changed in the '50s, and was in love with the Demon Slayer then. She tried to have him changed as well, but his nature as the Demon Slayer prevented it.

Tiamat is batshit fucking loco.

The High Priestess of the Sect of Diedievaite turns out to be the next Big Bad, and is responsible for the Unholy Plague. She eats kittens for breakfast. Well, actually, not really, but she's evil enough to.

I need some advice

This will not end well
I have a friend called Stacey.

Stacey is sweet, shy, snarky, defensive, politically aware, fiercely loyal and, unfortunately, a little bit creepy. She also has a crush on me.

Now, Stacey is a friend of mine. Not a close friend, but a friend, and since the university trimester has started up, we've been running into each other more and more. And she's been getting creepier and creepier and creepier.

For one thing, she follows me and my friends. Everywhere. Once she skipped a lecture to follow us. Even after we commented, appalled, that she should go to the lecture, since the other stream of STATS 193 (the stream I'm in) takes place at the same time as her POLSCI, she insisted on coming along. Then, rather than go to POLSCI, she followed me to STATS 193, saying that a friend of hers in POLSCI could get her the POLSCI notes.

I was more than mildly creeped out.

She also has a habit of standing right up in my personal space. For no reason. At all. She'll just come and stand really close to me and then not do anything, leaving me to edge away nervously. Once, I leaned tiredly against her shoulder, and she practically held me there, forcing my shoulder down, and then outright said that I wasn't moving. When I pointed out that she was deliberately not letting me move, she let go, but it was still freaky as fuck.

(At this point, I should perhaps note that Stacey is a trans woman who, while scrawny, is still stronger than me, which is why she was able to hold me down so well. Add in the fact that when I was dating Fox back when she still male-identified, she had a habit of staring at us and kind of leering at me and it adds a really creepy dimension, though she's assured me that she knows it was creepy. She's heavily involved with the Queer Avengers, the big activism group in New Zealand! It makes me really hesitant of saying anything in case the queer community kicks me out.)

Another thing she does I find creepy is that when we're in a group, she will put no effort into any conversation unless it's a conversation I'm involved in. Tim has commented he finds her impossible to talk to because any conversation with her ends instantly because she just won't put any effort in. She's only interested in talking to me. She'll also insert herself randomly into conversations I'm having with other people, no matter whether or not she's involved, in an unbelievably rude fashion. Sometimes it's useful, usually it's abrupt, rude and annoying.

And a couple of times, when I've been leaning on Tim, she's starting petting my head, and it seriously skeeves me out. Add in that I'm finding her unbelievably draining to be around, because I can't just be myself in case I end up encouraging her, and because I find her so fucking scary and creepy to be around, and she's seriously sapping my enjoyment of university.

What do I say? What can I say? I can't just ask her to not follow us around anymore. And I can't try and avoid her, either - all of our classes happen in pretty much the same stretch of university. Ack!

In good news, my brother's wife gave birth today! Yay! I'm now an aunt to a beautiful baby boy called Jack! :-D

The Definition of Weird

oh bugger
Finding that your ex-boyfriend's most recent ex-girlfriend, with whom he barely speaks (by her choice), gave him, out of the blue, a USB stick with some music, and that one of the albums on it was a CD your ex-boyfriend bought you two weeks after you started dating.



Rants you fucking douchebag, go to hell.

I seriously, seriously hate this guy right now. As somebody who has been sexually harassed and been dismissed as spreading lies and rumors, I officially despise this man. I just...argh.

I'm still following TGWTGSecrets. Not because I take any joy from the secrets, but more from a sort of sadistic pleasure. The sort you get from watching train wrecks. I kind of want to see how much angrier he can make me. I kind of want to see if any more of this floats to the surface. I kind of want to see if his desire to get attention eventually does make his tumblr implode. I kind of want to see if, eventually, people do see him for the cowardly, attention-seeking, hypocritical asshole he is and give up on him.

Fuck I hate Rants.


I know I haven't been on recently...

moar humor
...this is because my summer paper has been eating my life away.

I work six days a week on it. If I'm lucky. I squeeze Ultimate Frisbee and role-playing in there. Sometimes. It's getting insane and hard to handle.

But! But. I have dyed my hair pink. For those of you not friends with me on facebook, behold:


So, my summer paper commenced as of yesterday, and it is...fairly intense, condensing a year's worth of study into pretty much two months.

But it's fun, if a bit tricky at times, made harder by the fact that my epilepsy and drugs make my brain go wonky when my dad/tutor explain things too quickly to me. I'm getting the hang of it though; it does require me to think back to mathematical things I haven't thought about in years. Fuckin' exponents.

Anyway, the modules are quite short and quick to read, so I should have time to get back to work on fics and stories and...stuff. Maybe. There are other RL things that are hopefully happening soon and socializing and things.

Life is odd.


I'm going to get some sleep. 'Night.

Meme again! From Nombre, because why not

Put your iPod on shuffle and see what your soundtrack would be if your life was a movie. Given my eclectic taste in music this ought to end...oddly. With a little luck, anyway. Anyway, I'm going to be inventing what the storyline of my life would be based on soundtrack. It will end weirdly.

Opening Credits: Perfect by Smashing Pumpkins


Waking Up: Shut Your Mouth by Garbage

...Romance directed by the Wachowskis?

Falling In Love: Cosmic Love by Florence + the Machine

...Romance directed by the Wachowskis featuring an artsy outdoors sex scene?

Fight Song: Howl by Florence + the Machine

...Supernatural Romance directed by the Wachowskis featuring an artsy outdoors sex scene and werewolves?

Breaking up song: Crazy by Gnarls Barkley

...Supernatural Romance directed by the Wachowskis and Chris Nolan featuring an artsy outdoors sex scene and werewolves?

Life’s Okay: Sunjammer by Mike Oldfield

...Supernatural Romance directed by the Wachowskis and Chris Nolan featuring an artsy outdoors sex scene and werewolves and ambient music done by the Tubular Bells guy?

Getting Back Together: Desecration Smile by Red Hot Chili Peppers

...Supernatural Romance directed by the Wachowskis and Chris Nolan featuring an artsy outdoors sex scene, werewolves and lots of facial imagery with ambient music done by the Tubular Bells guy?

Wedding: Cold Day In The Sun by Foo Fighters

...I got nothing.

Birth Of Child: Runaway by P!nk

...Supernatural Romance directed by the Wachowskis and Chris Nolan featuring an artsy outdoors sex scene, werewolves, lots of facial imagery and me getting the fuck out of dodge as soon as the baby is born with ambient music done by the Tubular Bells guy?
Actually, since this is supernatural and I'm the main character, more likely it's me and the love interest getting the hell out of dodge as soon as I'm pregnant. So...
Supernatural Romance directed by the Wachowskis and Chris Nolan featuring an artsy outdoors sex scene, werewolves, lots of facial imagery and me and my partner getting the fuck out of dodge as soon as I'm pregnant with ambient music done by the Tubule Bells guy.
This sounds kind of like Breaking Dawn, except more interesting. And with genuine affection.

Final Battle: My Delirium by Ladyhawke

Supernatural Romance directed by the Wachowskis and Chris Nolan featuring an artsy outdoors sex scene, werewolves, lots of facial imagery, me and my partner getting the fuck out of dodge as soon as I'm pregnant with ambient music done by the Tubular Bells guy, and the big climax isn't a battle, it's us trying to sabotage something and then get away...

Death Scene: Salty [Meat Katie Remix]

...and someone important dies, and it's while we're in the complex, but we have to get out, and getting out is tainted by their death the whole way through, and adds a note of panic to the entire thing, because it's the first time anybody has died.

Funeral Song: Crow Jane by Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds

And since they're on the road and can't do a proper funeral, they make a bonfire, and burn all the things that meant something important to them, and the scene ends with them walking into the dawn holding hands, with some important narration talking about how they were on the run forever now, like real wolves, but it didn't matter, because they were pack.

End Credits: Just a Shadow by Pacifier

...and considering how I had the ending being them walking into the dawn, that's mighty appropriate.


If you're the privileged class and a member of a first world country, chances are good you've got clean water. Great! And chances are good that your government does it's best to make sure that you continue to have clean water. It's a basic human right, after all, one we all require, one people have marched for.

But here's the thing about having clean water: you can hurt people with it. So, just because you *have* clean water, doesn't mean you should use it dangerously. You shouldn't use it poisonously. You can get in trouble for that, and rightly so, even though all you were doing was exercising a basic human right. I think you'll agree with me that if you abuse somebody else, you deserved to get punished for it, even if all you did was use a loophole in the law.


Internet people, go back over what I've written. Replace every instance of 'clean water' with 'free speech'.

Now please shut the fuck up about it already.


Freya Sacksen: Blonde. Black. Jewish.

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